Serial Dating Pt1

Keep in mind, the dates I am about to write about are since the beginning of this year. I've been on a LOT of first dates. Some guys last a week or two. This is some crazy shit and it's ALL REAL!

January 2008
BJ - his real name is Abner. BJ/Abner? ???? That should have been the first sign. We dated all of two weeks. Until I found out his "ex" was going to have their baby in May. Said their relationship was over. Stupid me. I emailed her on myspace. I didn't want to start drama, just wanted to be sure SHE wasn't going to get hurt. Turns out, they were trying to work things out. He had commitment issues and they had been "together" for about 2 years. He got mad that I stayed home for the Superbowl and didn't hang out with him. Never heard from him again. She and I still write.

February 2008
Art - Really, really sweet guy. He actually won a date with me for Valentine's Day. It was a nice evening. Two days later was my birthday. He came out to my party. Again, still sweet. The following weekend, took him and his son to the Wildlife World Zoo. I treated. He is a single dad and has raised his 4-year old by himself. Very admirable. I spent $50 for the three of us to get in. I make really good money. No big deal. 4-year old son is still in DIAPERS. NO stroller for the kid at the zoo so he got cranky.
Said it was ok for his kid to be in diapers because he was wearing them till her was 10. WTF???????????? Stayed over once. Didn't even bring a toothbrush. Oral hygiene is key for me. Got totally turned off and despite the fact that he is a really sweet, nice guy who did a lot for me (he fixed things on my car whenever they went wrong) I just couldn't do it any longer.

March 2008
Brian - Met him on singlesnet. Really cute. Made me dinner second time getting together. Most incredible sex ever. Made me gush, even! Didn't want to get serious. I was looking for a relationship. To him to a concert. I drove, he left his motorcycle at my place. Later that night, I go to leave, find him WASTED outside flirting with a really fat ugly chick. He follows me to my car. GONE. It got towed. What's he do? Turns around and goes back into the club. My girl friend takes me to get my car from impound yard. Hear his motorcycle leave my place around 2am...as my FWB was over and gettin' me good. HA!

April - May 2008
Marco - His initials are MF which is perfect, because this was the ultimate motherfucker. Said he was a cage fighter and golden gloves boxer. Has to stop boxing because of a heart monitor in his chest (could actually SEE it under his skin!). He *could* box again...if he had the monitor taken out but he doesn't have the cash to do it. Thought he was a good guy, because his father has had Alzheimer's for 10 years plus diabetes and cancer so he moved back home to help his 74-year old mother take care of the 87-year old father. Wants to start a tattoo shop, already has the T Shirts made.
Says that in a relationship, people should see each other everyday. Uh-uh. Not for this EXTREMELY busy grrl. Brings over the video of his cage fight. Dated 2000. Rage in the Cage. Fight lasts 30 seconds and he taps out. I ask when the next round is. He says "That's it". I ask about the other fights. There haven't been any. ONE fight that lasts all of 30 seconds and he claims to be a cage fighter.
Changes his phone number. Makes the stupid T shirts for the non-existent tattoo shop null because THE PHONE NUMBER NO LONGER EXISTS.
Brings over his sketch book. Says he is an artist. I hold back the urine that wants to gush from me with laughter as I look at the sketches. I feel badly for anyone getting a tattoo from him. My 5-year old niece can draw a better box.
Last straw: Calls me selfish because I wouldn't make out with him at the end of an evening on a day when I had puked 3 times. Who the FUCK would WANT to make out with someone who puked all day????????
Called me a loser. I am a pro comedienne and radio DJ, along with music promoter. And I'm the loser. BTW, I've done all of these things more than once, for more than 30 seconds.

Tonight
Anthony - we've been emailing and talking on the phone for months, both really busy and can appreciate the fact we both have decent lives. He just started his own business and ACTUALLY owns a tattoo shop. Yes, it's up and running. Believe me, I checked. We finally make time to go out tonight. Meet him at a place to grab a bite. He is on a really nice Harley. And 6 months ago just got out of prison. 16 years. Didn't call me last night because of some drama in which he could have gotten arrested for assault. Bought a cheap car because as he was about to go into the finance office at a dealership to get something newer, his PAROLE officer tells him he can't but it. HIS PAROLE OFFICER. I have never in my life even PUNCHED anyone, let alone had a parole officer! The thing that sucks is he is really nice, but boys like that never change. He's been in the pokey more than once.
Hey, at least he told me on the first date! I will remain friends with him. No second date will be coming, though!