I've never written anything while still "in the moment," but this was a pretty powerful one and I don't want to lose a second of it.
Travis. Someone only in town for a few days, I got a few hours of that. I was leery, because after all the shit I've been through and been told, I could give a fuck anymore. But there's always that one thing, the thing you can't really describe but it makes you make in impulsive decision, even though it was something that I had decided on a few days ago. Still an impulse. I think that I've been thinking too much and that's just so not me, so I was like "What the heck, I can spare a few hours." Well, those few hours impacted me in a strange way. Lately, so many things have been just so unexciting, that I HOPE to get flaked on. I HOPE it gets canceled. I needed that to change because that's just not the way I have always been in the past. Just lately. It's like I go through the motions out of obligation. It makes me antsy and I needed to be shaken. Well, today, I certainly was.
Starbucks, lots of conversation, but I really just want to take him home. I mean, we both knew it was going to happen at some point, but this guy knew how to talk. How to hold a conversation. A freaking intelligent one and I'm certainly not used to that. A conversation with a lot of parallels between us. One that showed true feelings. That's the shit that turns me on. I won't say that he wasn't gorgeous or had a kick-ass body or that he opened the fucking door for me. Writing books? Like me? Yeah, all of that but there's that one other thing...that thing you can't describe or even attempt to put into words. (Of course, in the back of my mind, I'm still thinking it was all bullshit. HA!)
So, we finally get to my place and talk some more. I knew the clock was ticking, but I didn't want to know the time. I really, really didn't. I am NOT the girl who makes the first move. I just can't. I'm always afraid of that rejection, even though I've never been rejected at first.
The pysical experience was one of the most powerful I have ever experienced. There was such a sense of urgency, that I just let it out. I didn't WANT to hold back because it could certainly be the ONLY time I got to spend with this person. I wanted to give, in such a bad way. I wanted to be the real me. And I felt comfortable doing that. Details of the sex aren't necessary, but it felt really right. Like these two people, somehow came together, pretty randomly and it just worked. For the first time, I didn't WANT to get him out the door. It's just like me to want what I really can't have. But, in my mind, the "This could be the ONLY time I am with this person" kept running through and I had to cherish every fucking moment of it.
I've been so accustomed to holding my emotions inside, but I actually fucking cried when he left. It was just so...beautiful. A little sadness, but mostly an experience that could not have been more perfect. That has only happened one other time in my entire life. It was while I was in Costa Rica and that was the most perfect night. Until today. For a split second, I was completely, totally in love.
Of course, "Thinking Amy" came back immediately. That fucking bitch.

Meh.

I think dating is uneventful. The last guy I went out with was really nice, cool, but older. 46. Yeah. Though I will be 40 in less than a year, 46 seems so old to me. I don't live like an almost 40-year old, now do I look it. But 46...that's closer to 50 than 40. We just really didn't have chemistry. I know he liked me and he wanted to go out again, but you can't wait until
Thursday to ask me out for Saturday.
Another guy I was recently hooked-up with (not THAT kind of hook up) is also in recovery. I don't go out and try to find someone in the same situation as I am, because I'm a lot stronger than most addicts and can deal with being around the booze. I also don't believe in AA anymore. It was great when I first got clean (it will be 6 years in just 2 weeks!) and it helped me immensely, but it feels like a cult. I also don't like being told that I will relapse if I don't go to meetings. Life is about choices, and I will only drink again if I choose to, not because I don't go to some meeting. Anyway, his name is John and we had emailed and texted but, like my biggest pet peeve, never a phone call. How are you supposed to get to know someone if you never hear the sound of their voice or the way they express themselves verbally? Oh, and the "I didn't want to call because I didn't want to bother you" is such a fucking pussy way out of things. There's this thing called voicemail fi I don't answer. But I told Ayesha today...if you don't have the balls to call me to get to know me or ever ask me out, you don't have the fucking balls to share my life. Period.
I had a gig last week and met someone there. Now, I've learned my lesson when it comes to comics. No way can I go through that again. He's the promoter, so not technically a comic. Instant chemistry and we really got along. Now, here's where I get into the race thing. He's black. I gave him my number and he called the next day. In fact, it's like this with every black guy I date. There's no fear of that first contact. He called me twice yesterday. I still haven't heard from John and he's had my number for three weeks. Whatever!
Anyway, the brothas love me.

OK, people, here's another update!

This is going to be one of those instances where my Mom tells me "You're too picky." I call them standards.
About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I went out with a guy named Adrian. He suggested Oregano's. Being the food snob that I am, I wasn't really big on Oregano's, but at least it wasn't fucking Applebee's. Anyway, it was a really nice evening, but also when we had all that rain. We were seated outside, near the heater. No big deal, but after awhile I started freezing. He was nice enough to let the manager know so that I got a blanket for my lap. How sweet. He had wanted to have deep dish pizza, and it turns out he grew up in Chicago. Being a NYer, I was leery, but whatever. Anyway, the evening went well, lots of conversation. He texted me. A lot. But never called. The following week, he called and we made a date for the next week for me to take him for NY pizza on Thursday. Never called again but texted quite often. Now, correct me if I'm fucking wrong, but texting isn't a way to get to know someone or communicate. It's for people you KNOW or short stuff like "Be there in 10" or "How's your Mom?", right? Wednesday rolls around (keep in mind, three weeks and only one phone call) and he TEXTS that he'll meet met at 8pm the next night. Um. No. Going out at 8 on a week night is not going to work with me. Well, it might, if that person put a little more effort into getting to know me. Oh, did I mention he uses text TALK? That's where people are too fucking lazy to actually type out the word "YOU" and just use the letter "U" which is the most annoying thing on the planet. When I taught middle school I could excuse it. Not for a 38-year old man. "
Examples:
"What U up 2 2night?'
"Hope U are making it a gr8 Monday!" (surprised he spelled out "are" instead of using "R")
"I only work l8 on Thursdays." l8. With an "L" and an "8". Are you fucking kidding me???

Maybe it's the teacher in me. Or the fact that I spent more than $45 on my phone so that I can actually type something out...though, even on my RAZR, I could spell out anything with an extra tap of a button. Apparently, I'm not worth that effort.
I stopped texting back. Here's the last text I got:
"It was nice trying to get to know U. I guess U were not into trying to get to know me. Bye!"

Uh...bye.

Feeling insignificant

I feel so insignificant. The past few months, I was blown-off by one of my really good friends. Twice. Once was at the movies. I sat. And waited. Nothing. Then, on a Friday night. I waited. No call till 90 minutes after we were to meet. I was already home.
This week, guy I've been seeing forgot we had plans. Twice.
I keep asking myself "What did I do??? Who am I? Who am I NOT??"
It's a shitty feeling to be forgotten. It feels worthless. I feel like I'm always available for everyone around me. I guess that's what I try to do to show people that my relationships with them are important to me. Am I extraordinary for that? I don't think so. I think that's what you're supposed to do.
Forgotten. Insignificant. Worthless.

Time for an update!

I keep forgetting to update my blog. Or, maybe it's just not worth it.
First, the dates.
Alan was a really nice, cute black man. Many phone conversations and finally met for dessert. I really despise when dessert is their suggestion, yet they don't order anything or even attempt to share. I mean, making a girl eat alone, let alone dessert, isn't too cool. And dumb!!! Dumber than the box that the rocks came in. I think it was the 7 years in the Army. We were kissing in the parking lot and I *knew* it wasn't going to turn into a relationship (DUMB and no job, living off his parents!) so I took him home. There's a scratching noise in my kitchen. Ugh, a rat. Caught in a trap that is supposed to humanely kill them but it didn't. He had volunteered to do it, but I just told him I would call the exterminator in the morning. Took him right to the bedroom. HUGE cock! Almost too big, but it was only a one-night thing, so might as well use it, right? After the "deed" and laying there talking, I kindly informed him that he would NOT be spending the night. I never let a guy sleep over until we are actually dating and together for awhile. I mean, I really don't want to see your face the next day. He left and texted me EVERY Friday for 3 months LATE at night. Like after 10pm. Now, if I don't have plans or I'm out, things aren't changing at 11pm. ESPECIALLY if it's a night I am home just chilling. I answered the first few that I was busy, but he kept on texting, almost every Friday. His messages were always "Getting my second wind." WTF??? If we don't talk at ALL during the week and I ONLY hear from you through a text on Friday, how is "Getting my second wind" going to lure me in? I never delete numbers from my phone so that I know who it is. That's a lesson I learned from JFW. So, one night, after such a text, for fun, I wrote: "Who is this and WHY would I meet you at Zipps???" Then, he called and I didn't answer. DUMB.
Now, it would be a couple of months before I even *wanted* to date anyone. I had roof rats. Big, fat, ugly, dirty roof rats. My landlords had an exterminator come every week to set/check the traps. Every week, a rat. Sometimes, the rat wouldn't get to the trap and I would walk into my kitchen, only to see a rat on my countertop. Now, as soon as this "problem" had developed, I completely douched and bleached my kitchen. I had to put my cat food dishes up on my dining room table, because that's what lured them into my place to begin with. My 16-year old cat, Daisey, has been trained to NEVER go on the cupboard/table, and now I have to show her it's OK. The exterminator "rat boy" came every week to check the traps. The one that was stuck in the trap and didn't get killed? He had to borrow a hammer from me to kill it! I heard it screaming from the other side of my apartment! How horrible is that??????? I kept asking my landlords about getting a handyman in there to plug up the holes. It seems that having that done would actually SAVE them the cost of having an exterminator come, every week, for 3 months. I kept getting the same excuse "My email must have gone to his spam box because I haven't heard from him yet." Uh....then find another one???? You have a tenant who's been in your building for over 3 years. Take care of them!!! Forward to the next guy...
I dated a guy named Mike for two weeks. I usually don't want someone to meet my friends right away, but I just figured this time "What the heck" and had him meet us out for grilled cheese sandwiches. We had talked on the phone for a couple of weeks before meeting, and would talk for at least an hour every night. We had a lot in common: music, disbelief in religion, and the same political views. Funny how in person, someone can be so BORING!!!!! I didn't even WANT a kiss the first night. So, gave it a second chance and met at FEZ. Had a great time. He brought me a CD and some candy (he had asked me earlier in the week what my favorite was) and I kissed him in the parking lot, but didn't invite him home. I did, though, the next week, invite him over for dinner. He was always buying me things and seemed really nice. He even brought a toy and treats for Dexter. While we are waiting for dinner to get done (rice seems to take forever when you're with someone uber-boring!), I hear a scratching noise in the bathroom. My stomach dropped. As I walked in, there's my cat, CHANK, cornering a...rat. You have GOT to be kidding me! I finally have a guy over and this is what I get. Mike gets the rat trapped in a corner of my closet and neither one of us know what to do. I can't kill it. He can't kill it. So, I get a plyers for him to pick the damn thing up by the tail to whip outside. How embarrassing! We eat. Then he gets a bit too pushy with the physical stuff as we are kissing. I mean, I am NOT going to do anything more than kiss him. I just didn't "feel it" yet. He was a bit aggressive. Was I supposed to put out because he got a rat out of my house??????
The next day, he sent a text, joking, about how he'd been in the bathroom all night because of my food. I knew he was joking, and we texted a bit more, then he sends one saying that I'm a "bad girl who needs a spanking." WTF????? You've known me for less than 2 weeks and you think it's ok to talk to me like that???? I sent him a text back that said "You don't know me well enough to talk to me like that." Never heard from him again.
That was September. A couple weeks later, I agree to go out with an adorable, smart, funny black guy named Tyrone or something. I seriously don't remember his name. When you are going to ask me to get a bite to eat, and you suggest Applebee's, red flag number one gets raised. I suggest apps at Harley's. I don't expect everyone to be rich, but APPLEBEE'S???? Come on! So, as we are ordering, we begin to talk about politics. We have the same views and are both big supporters of Obama. This is where things get REALLY ugly. He says that Obama is likely to get shot because he's black. OK, well, maybe at one time that would have been the reason, but with all the changes he's trying to make and all the fucking Bush clean-up, I respond with: "Well, I think it will be because of the things he's trying to do, not for the color of his skin. McKinley was white. So was Lincoln. Oh, and Reagan." He gets up, loudly, at MY restaurant, says "You're a fucking racist!" and walks out. the place was nearly empty, but I know all of the employees very well. I am there almost every week, if not month. Ed, the bartender, just looked at me, jaw dropped open. I was so embarrassed!!!! I stayed back, didn't want to meet up with the guy in the parking lot to get yelled at again. As I was leaving, he was pulling out. Gave me the finger.
Geesh! If I were a racist, would I knowingly go out with a black guy????? That's just ignorant. He was one of those "poor me, I'm black" guys.
Whatev!!!!

Well, it *sounded* good

I guess I forgot to update this and the Darren thing. I dumped him about a month ago. Things had made me uncomfortable for a week or two and I just figured I might as well end it.
It all started when we went to the library one day. I had wanted to check it out, get some books and have dinner. When I finished wandering the aisles, I found Darren...talking on his cell phone. In the LIBRARY. WTF??? Ok, whatever...
About a week later was the Jane's Addiction/NIN concert. We were sitting in a row with about a half dozen of his friends from work and their wives. It's a concert. A ROCK concert and I turned to say something to him...and he SHUSHED me. I pointed out that his friend and wife were talking...and that it was a CONCERT. He apologized in the car on the way home, but I couldn't believe it had happened. Who shushes people?????? The following week, I had gone to see some of my bands play at Mardi Gras. His friends from work play in a ska band that was playing just down the road. He begged me to come by, so I did. He was doing this ridiculous dance outside and I was joking and said "Uh, you can stop that." His words? "Fuck you, I'll do what I want." Uh-uh. No WAY was anyone going to talk to me like that. The next day was FEZ Foodies and I took him with me. He was miserable and then we went to the movies. On the way there, we were talking about New Year's and what we did. Me: for the past two years, I've gone with my former intern, Tondra, to a yoga and meditation workshop from 9pm till midnight. Parties are old. Same blah blah blah. We like to do something different. He's 41...and his friends all took Ambien and stayed awake. Apparently, it's supposed to make you trip out if you don't let it make you fall asleep. OK. That's cool when you're in COLLEGE. 41??? I don't think so.
I'm fine being around people who drink, though I don't do it myself. He said he needed to figure out where to go on vacation. When I go away, I want to DO something. Costa Rica was awesome because there's so much to DO, along with just hanging on the beach. He wanted to go somewhere "to get wasted." Right then I knew this wasn't the person for me. If that's your goal to get away, especially at 41, you're immature. Period. Why waste a ton of money going somewhere exotice to do what you do at home????? He then said he should "edit what he says to me." Nope. I don't want someone pretending. If that's the real you, show it.
So, the next day I told him I didn't want to be with him. Period. That was a Monday. Wednesday, I get a call from him asking where we stand. HUH?????
Looking back, he had told me a lot of things about the kind of person he is. He's been divorced for a year and a half, yet still has a Netflix. He won't send it back so that his ex can't get her 3-at-a-time. Ugh.
"Fuck you, I'll do what I want." Go ahead. Now, you're just doing it alone.

Things are so good!

So, we've been dating for almost 6 weeks. My parents came down for dinner last week and invited Darren. YIKES! Meet my parents??? So quickly? Eh, whatever. I told him it's not this big relationship step and it's cool if he doesn't want to go. He wanted to. Hmmmmm.
Meet my parents. They had my niece, Olivia. My step-sister was there, too. Ugh. He's pretty mellow, like me and seemed unphased. He only had a few moments with my Mom without me while I was peeing. I came out and saw them talking and almost ran. I could just imagine what my mom was asking. I don't talk about him much because I'm afraid to jinx it. Sex is amazing, we talk until all hours of the morning. We all walked outside and he invited me over. I hadn't been to his place yet. He's renting half a house from some friends who have a McMansion in NoSco. He's put a few bids in on houses and has the option to take his time, since he has a ton of his own space. He said "Phew, I made it through dinner with the parents!" Maybe he did think it was more serious that I did. Either way, it was a great night.
Yesterday, he invited me to happy hour to meet some of his friends. He's already met a ton of mine as I seem to drag him around. He loves it, of course! I was soooooooooooooo nervous on the way there! Was I wearing OK clothes? How was my hair? What the fuck am I gonna say? It went well. They left, we stayed and had dinner then hit a movie. Met up with Julia and Georgie and Chrissy after. I'm always afraid my life is too crazy for someone, but he's handling it well and doesn't seem to be getting freaked out. I even took him to the roller derby last week.
Since my abusive ex moved out 2 years ago, I have NEVER let anyone stay over, but he stayed last night for the second time. Had me laughing until I fell asleep.
Darren's awesome and we seem to be at a good pace without rushing stuff. No "L" word yet. He did buy tickets to Jane's Addiction/NIN for May 15th. I guess that means we'll be together for at least another month. He's definitely a keeper. Treats me very well, as I do him. I guess since I've been hurt and dicked around so much in the past, I'm a bit scared. I'll just go with the flow and not think too much about the future shit and it will be ok.