Serial Dating, Part 4

James - another football player. Ok, he played in college and claimed to "own" a minor football league. We went to dinner. I am writing Harley's off for first dates, they all turn into disasters, even though it's my favorite place. James owns a minor football league team. Big guy. As soon as we sat down, I wasn't sure where to look: he had a lazy eye! OMG, what to do? Proceeds to brag about himself the entire meal...but, wait! It was a dessert date and he didn't even order anything! Wouldn't share my tiramisu. Now, when you take a girl to a restaurant, you can't have her be the only one eating. The conversation was pretty much one-sided. He never asked me anything about myself, but I did learn that his parents said to him last Xmas "Do you want a couple thousand or some video games?"
This was also Olympic season. Women's beach volleyball. He kept talking about how hot the girls were. Um, excuse me, I may not be a beach volleyball player, but I'm pretty hot. Besides. what a scum for talking like that!
Who brags, when you're over 30, about your parents giving you money? He chose the video games. I was so put off by the bragging. Ew, and he went in for a kiss after. I just gave him a hug, since he's about 6'5" and I'm...5'.
I played the total guy after that night. He called and texted for a week and I wouldn't answer. Finally, I sent him an email, pinpointing WHY our date wasn't really that great (this is copy/pasted from my sent box):

So, I just got your text. I don't know if you go out on first dates a lot. I left there feeling extremely uncomfortable.

1. When you invite someone out to eat, you'd better join in the food. If not, the girl feels like a total pig.

2. Remarking about the hot bods on beach volleyball players isn't very nice. Women feel shitty enough about themselves.

3. Money does not make the man. Bragging about your parents giving you "a couple grand" for Xmas isn't impressive.

4. Always ask as many questions as you are asked. It will make you seem interested. No questions, obviously not interested.

5. Never keep your cell phone out during a date. It's incredibly rude. That's what the bathroom is for.

6. I think it's really cool that you take care of yourself with the whole mani/pedi thing.

7. I really appreciate the massage offer. I only turned it down because there was no way to get to know each other on a first date while being rubbed down.

Good luck!

Ugh!

Travis - really nice guy, in a potato-shaped way. Cute dimples. He was actually interested in what I had to say. I would definitely go out with him again, but would have to keep an open mind, since there wasn't much chemistry. It could happen, though!

Another James - He happened to work with a close friend of mine and was the neighbor of that friend's girlfriend. She said he was very good-looking. At least I know he has a decent job, I kinda know where he lives, so it's not like some of the losers I've dated! James WAS good-looking! We met at a STarbucks - but he didn't want to order anything and didn't offer me anything. Red Flag Number One. We had great conversation...but then he asked me "Would you ever sleep with a woman?" WTF???? Am I in college??? When I answered in a way that he apparently wasn't happy with, he kept going on about it...for about 5 minutes! What a turn-off! Hey, when you're actually in a relationship, I think it's OK to talk about that stuff. But, on a first date?????????? Really interesting guy, very funny. Didn't go for a kiss, though. Said "I don't chase" when it comes to women. Whatever! We were supposed to go to First Friday that week. We had been talking about it for almost a month. Never happened, but not like I was sitting by the phone waiting. He texted me a couple weeks later. He initiated, so maybe he does chase. I think we could have gotten along well, but I think he's just looking for a booty call. I already have that.
NEXT!
Jerry - Ah, yes, another athlete. Mine league Baseball. Has a really good job and a ton of money. Nice looking and definitely into me. We went to the movies one night. Had a good time. This is where I mention his Escalade with 12 TVs. Flashy nigga. His truck wouldn't start one night and he asked if I could pick him up when the tow truck dropped him off. Sure, I don't mind. Didn't realize this would happen at 2 am, but whatever. Took me to breakfast the next morning since I helped. Well, I took him since his truck was in the shop. IHOP. Ugh! About a week later, takes me to Rokerij. I chose the place. The guy eats like a slob. When his plates were picked up, there was a clean spot only where the plate was, and food scattered everywhere. Gross! Went back to my place and I figured that I should probably put out. Ugh, I hate being a girl sometimes! Seriously, though, he was coming on pretty strong. We sat on the couch for a bit and this is where he went to a "possibility" to "no fucking way!" I have two cats, one I've had for 15 years. She jumped up on the couch for some love and HE PUT MY COUCH CUSHION UP AS A BARRIER. No WAY. Uh-uh. Not gonna fly with me. The rest of the evening...well let's just say he has a certain deformity that I have never, in my life , come across. 30 seconds later, thank god, he is about to fall asleep! No way. I nudge him and remind him that there is no way he is crashing here. Yeah, I am such a guy! He texted a few times, but, honestly, I'm not interested. No amount of spoiling me can make up for...that...

Serial Dating, Pt. 3

Ah, you gotta love athletes! Especially the "former" athletes! Reggie - runningback for a team that had one of the BEST runningbacks EVER. He must have played 3rd string or something, because no google search even brought up his name. He was so cute and funny, we got alone really well. Started to get the red flags, though, when he would call me from the check cashing store. CHECK CASHING STORE!!!! I mean, I'm not a materialistic one, but when you are only dating someone for a couple weeks, you really don't wanna know their finances. He divulged that he was "broke" and that his ex took all his money. He did some things that made me feel good, like calling every morning and evening, just to say hi. Guys don't normally do that, unless they're into you, right? We went for ice cream, which was a cool date. He called me once on the way back from the gym. We fooled around. Never heard from him again! Loser. BROKE loser! Francisco - MLB pitcher. Really cute, really funny and Dominican. HOT! Went out on one date. We had really great chemistry, but he never called again because I'm not Catholic and don't believe in God. Whatever! Couldn't find you on a Brewers search. Brett - Ah, dear lord. This one is for the books. There's always that *one* guy who says all the right things...and you finally believe. Our first date was at FEZ. Thought it would be a good idea, since two of my friends went there on THEIR first dates and they're still together, almost a year later. Great conversation...but now that I look back, that's where the lies began. Claimed to be a motorcycle drag racer and friends with DMX. I pointed out that he's not that popular around here anymore! (dog killer and all that!) He even went so far as to show me a text from "DMX" which said to meet him at the QT in Scottsdale. Brett obviously wasn't from around here, as I pointed out QT was a freaking gas station. Whatever. We kissed in the parking lot for awhile. Unbelievable chemistry. I took him to one of my comedy gigs the following night, and from then on, he completely worshipped me. As we drove home, a HUGE storm was hitting. It even blew out windows of high-rises downtown. It was crazy. We were dodging trees and debris everywhere. I have this thing with numbers. His birthday is the 14th. Mine is the 16th. This was August 28th. I don't remember what logic I came up with, but we were destined to be together forever. Said he had a 7-year old boy who he wasn't allowed to see. He was to head out of town to "race" in a couple days. He said his real name was "Larry Brett McBride" and that was his father's name, who was dead, so he used it to race. When he left that evening, I did a search on Larry McBride. Turns out, the guy is a legend in the motorcycle racing world...and wasn't dead. In fact, he had just broken a world record a few weeks before. Hmmmm....so, I called him on it. He claimed that if he told me his real name, I would know who he is. HUH?????? Shouldn't you know someone's name??? I mean, he knew about my comedy and radio and the band. Why would anyone hide "who they are???" So, he leaves. We text and yahoo. He called a few times. A month goes by, he claims to be racing all over the place. I'm on the internet, searching for race results and such. This guy did NOT exist. But, when I did a search for his screen name...it came up under Datehookup.com and his location was listed as ORLANDO. I made a fake profile with a pic from some ditsy newscaster girl and claimed to be from NJ but moving to Orlando in a few days. What a dipshit, he believed it! Sent pics of himself surfing. Surfing. Said he has two kids, one 12 and one 13. Ok, what about the 7-year old? I couldn't ask about it, because, well, he didn't know who I *really* was. Oh, and his last name changed 3 different times, so that I wouldn't "know who he was"...WTF???????????? So, he thinks I am driving down to Orlando. I gave him the name of a very exclusive neighborhood, saying that's where I had just bought my new house. We set a time and date to meet, always using yahoo to keep in touch. He had not heard my voice, or he would know it was me. He also gave me a phone number. One number off the number I already had. So...I am guessing he is with someone, they have the same plan with very similar numbers. I am pretty sure he showed up at some ale house in Orlando, thinking I was gonna pull up in a Cadillac. HA! He texted me (the real me) a few weeks ago. I was on the air. So I wrote "On the air, fuckhead" and I think he finally got the message.