Serial Dating, Pt. 3

Ah, you gotta love athletes! Especially the "former" athletes! Reggie - runningback for a team that had one of the BEST runningbacks EVER. He must have played 3rd string or something, because no google search even brought up his name. He was so cute and funny, we got alone really well. Started to get the red flags, though, when he would call me from the check cashing store. CHECK CASHING STORE!!!! I mean, I'm not a materialistic one, but when you are only dating someone for a couple weeks, you really don't wanna know their finances. He divulged that he was "broke" and that his ex took all his money. He did some things that made me feel good, like calling every morning and evening, just to say hi. Guys don't normally do that, unless they're into you, right? We went for ice cream, which was a cool date. He called me once on the way back from the gym. We fooled around. Never heard from him again! Loser. BROKE loser! Francisco - MLB pitcher. Really cute, really funny and Dominican. HOT! Went out on one date. We had really great chemistry, but he never called again because I'm not Catholic and don't believe in God. Whatever! Couldn't find you on a Brewers search. Brett - Ah, dear lord. This one is for the books. There's always that *one* guy who says all the right things...and you finally believe. Our first date was at FEZ. Thought it would be a good idea, since two of my friends went there on THEIR first dates and they're still together, almost a year later. Great conversation...but now that I look back, that's where the lies began. Claimed to be a motorcycle drag racer and friends with DMX. I pointed out that he's not that popular around here anymore! (dog killer and all that!) He even went so far as to show me a text from "DMX" which said to meet him at the QT in Scottsdale. Brett obviously wasn't from around here, as I pointed out QT was a freaking gas station. Whatever. We kissed in the parking lot for awhile. Unbelievable chemistry. I took him to one of my comedy gigs the following night, and from then on, he completely worshipped me. As we drove home, a HUGE storm was hitting. It even blew out windows of high-rises downtown. It was crazy. We were dodging trees and debris everywhere. I have this thing with numbers. His birthday is the 14th. Mine is the 16th. This was August 28th. I don't remember what logic I came up with, but we were destined to be together forever. Said he had a 7-year old boy who he wasn't allowed to see. He was to head out of town to "race" in a couple days. He said his real name was "Larry Brett McBride" and that was his father's name, who was dead, so he used it to race. When he left that evening, I did a search on Larry McBride. Turns out, the guy is a legend in the motorcycle racing world...and wasn't dead. In fact, he had just broken a world record a few weeks before. Hmmmm....so, I called him on it. He claimed that if he told me his real name, I would know who he is. HUH?????? Shouldn't you know someone's name??? I mean, he knew about my comedy and radio and the band. Why would anyone hide "who they are???" So, he leaves. We text and yahoo. He called a few times. A month goes by, he claims to be racing all over the place. I'm on the internet, searching for race results and such. This guy did NOT exist. But, when I did a search for his screen name...it came up under Datehookup.com and his location was listed as ORLANDO. I made a fake profile with a pic from some ditsy newscaster girl and claimed to be from NJ but moving to Orlando in a few days. What a dipshit, he believed it! Sent pics of himself surfing. Surfing. Said he has two kids, one 12 and one 13. Ok, what about the 7-year old? I couldn't ask about it, because, well, he didn't know who I *really* was. Oh, and his last name changed 3 different times, so that I wouldn't "know who he was"...WTF???????????? So, he thinks I am driving down to Orlando. I gave him the name of a very exclusive neighborhood, saying that's where I had just bought my new house. We set a time and date to meet, always using yahoo to keep in touch. He had not heard my voice, or he would know it was me. He also gave me a phone number. One number off the number I already had. So...I am guessing he is with someone, they have the same plan with very similar numbers. I am pretty sure he showed up at some ale house in Orlando, thinking I was gonna pull up in a Cadillac. HA! He texted me (the real me) a few weeks ago. I was on the air. So I wrote "On the air, fuckhead" and I think he finally got the message.