I am such a dork!

Ok, so a few days ago, I get a message on a dating site and it's from a stylist (guy) at a salon I service. OMG how embarrassing for someone who KNOWS me to see me on there! But, I've seen him a few times at the salon and he seemed pretty cool. So, there's this party Friday, Queer Christmas, and I thought it would be fun to ask him to go. I mean, he's around the gays all the time, so at least I know he's tolerant. Very important to me.
So, I'm at work, and figure I'd write him a note for when I drop off their delivery today, asking him if he wants to go. This is where I get so dorky. I wanted to write a note with boxes to check for if he did or didn't want to go. Here's what I wrote:
Hi Jim!
Do you want to go to a party @FEZ with me on Friday?
Check one:
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] Hell no

Alfaparf Amy (that's what he called me in the email. It's the name of one of the lines we carry)
and I put my phone number on it. We couldn't figure out WHAT to write it on. A sticky note seemed tacky (literally!) and a business card was stupid. Jenni From Work (JFW from now on!) and I were trying to find something to write it on. She comes out of the kitchen...with this little white bag in her hand. It's been in the kitchen for 3 weeks. Full of soy sauce, mustard sauce and a fortune cookie. "No way!" I say. She says "Come on, it's original and what do you have to lose?" Then we start laughing. How cool would it be to get a bag of condiments with an invite to go out with Fabulous????
So, nervous as Hell (I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO shy about boys) I take it to the salon. The receptionist was in on it and he was standing there...so I kinda dropped it on her desk with their delivery and said "OMG you have to give it to him for me!" The owner was standing there, too, and I didn't want to make an ass out of myself in front of my most favorite client in the WORLD!
I called an hour later to see if she had given it to him. Now...the wait. Is he gonna call?????????
He called! Laughing about the Chinese condiment bag! We talked for about a half hour or so (I'm looking in my phone for the call duration. I'll never forget this!) OK it was 43:21 minutes.
He can't come to the party because his friend is getting his Master's and graduating that night. But, he said as soon as Xmas was over, we'd do something. Cool!

Oh, and today I was offered to go full-time at my part-time job. I can't WAIT to quit my day job. My boss is a total cunt.

Serial Dating, Part 4

James - another football player. Ok, he played in college and claimed to "own" a minor football league. We went to dinner. I am writing Harley's off for first dates, they all turn into disasters, even though it's my favorite place. James owns a minor football league team. Big guy. As soon as we sat down, I wasn't sure where to look: he had a lazy eye! OMG, what to do? Proceeds to brag about himself the entire meal...but, wait! It was a dessert date and he didn't even order anything! Wouldn't share my tiramisu. Now, when you take a girl to a restaurant, you can't have her be the only one eating. The conversation was pretty much one-sided. He never asked me anything about myself, but I did learn that his parents said to him last Xmas "Do you want a couple thousand or some video games?"
This was also Olympic season. Women's beach volleyball. He kept talking about how hot the girls were. Um, excuse me, I may not be a beach volleyball player, but I'm pretty hot. Besides. what a scum for talking like that!
Who brags, when you're over 30, about your parents giving you money? He chose the video games. I was so put off by the bragging. Ew, and he went in for a kiss after. I just gave him a hug, since he's about 6'5" and I'm...5'.
I played the total guy after that night. He called and texted for a week and I wouldn't answer. Finally, I sent him an email, pinpointing WHY our date wasn't really that great (this is copy/pasted from my sent box):

So, I just got your text. I don't know if you go out on first dates a lot. I left there feeling extremely uncomfortable.

1. When you invite someone out to eat, you'd better join in the food. If not, the girl feels like a total pig.

2. Remarking about the hot bods on beach volleyball players isn't very nice. Women feel shitty enough about themselves.

3. Money does not make the man. Bragging about your parents giving you "a couple grand" for Xmas isn't impressive.

4. Always ask as many questions as you are asked. It will make you seem interested. No questions, obviously not interested.

5. Never keep your cell phone out during a date. It's incredibly rude. That's what the bathroom is for.

6. I think it's really cool that you take care of yourself with the whole mani/pedi thing.

7. I really appreciate the massage offer. I only turned it down because there was no way to get to know each other on a first date while being rubbed down.

Good luck!

Ugh!

Travis - really nice guy, in a potato-shaped way. Cute dimples. He was actually interested in what I had to say. I would definitely go out with him again, but would have to keep an open mind, since there wasn't much chemistry. It could happen, though!

Another James - He happened to work with a close friend of mine and was the neighbor of that friend's girlfriend. She said he was very good-looking. At least I know he has a decent job, I kinda know where he lives, so it's not like some of the losers I've dated! James WAS good-looking! We met at a STarbucks - but he didn't want to order anything and didn't offer me anything. Red Flag Number One. We had great conversation...but then he asked me "Would you ever sleep with a woman?" WTF???? Am I in college??? When I answered in a way that he apparently wasn't happy with, he kept going on about it...for about 5 minutes! What a turn-off! Hey, when you're actually in a relationship, I think it's OK to talk about that stuff. But, on a first date?????????? Really interesting guy, very funny. Didn't go for a kiss, though. Said "I don't chase" when it comes to women. Whatever! We were supposed to go to First Friday that week. We had been talking about it for almost a month. Never happened, but not like I was sitting by the phone waiting. He texted me a couple weeks later. He initiated, so maybe he does chase. I think we could have gotten along well, but I think he's just looking for a booty call. I already have that.
NEXT!
Jerry - Ah, yes, another athlete. Mine league Baseball. Has a really good job and a ton of money. Nice looking and definitely into me. We went to the movies one night. Had a good time. This is where I mention his Escalade with 12 TVs. Flashy nigga. His truck wouldn't start one night and he asked if I could pick him up when the tow truck dropped him off. Sure, I don't mind. Didn't realize this would happen at 2 am, but whatever. Took me to breakfast the next morning since I helped. Well, I took him since his truck was in the shop. IHOP. Ugh! About a week later, takes me to Rokerij. I chose the place. The guy eats like a slob. When his plates were picked up, there was a clean spot only where the plate was, and food scattered everywhere. Gross! Went back to my place and I figured that I should probably put out. Ugh, I hate being a girl sometimes! Seriously, though, he was coming on pretty strong. We sat on the couch for a bit and this is where he went to a "possibility" to "no fucking way!" I have two cats, one I've had for 15 years. She jumped up on the couch for some love and HE PUT MY COUCH CUSHION UP AS A BARRIER. No WAY. Uh-uh. Not gonna fly with me. The rest of the evening...well let's just say he has a certain deformity that I have never, in my life , come across. 30 seconds later, thank god, he is about to fall asleep! No way. I nudge him and remind him that there is no way he is crashing here. Yeah, I am such a guy! He texted a few times, but, honestly, I'm not interested. No amount of spoiling me can make up for...that...

Serial Dating, Pt. 3

Ah, you gotta love athletes! Especially the "former" athletes! Reggie - runningback for a team that had one of the BEST runningbacks EVER. He must have played 3rd string or something, because no google search even brought up his name. He was so cute and funny, we got alone really well. Started to get the red flags, though, when he would call me from the check cashing store. CHECK CASHING STORE!!!! I mean, I'm not a materialistic one, but when you are only dating someone for a couple weeks, you really don't wanna know their finances. He divulged that he was "broke" and that his ex took all his money. He did some things that made me feel good, like calling every morning and evening, just to say hi. Guys don't normally do that, unless they're into you, right? We went for ice cream, which was a cool date. He called me once on the way back from the gym. We fooled around. Never heard from him again! Loser. BROKE loser! Francisco - MLB pitcher. Really cute, really funny and Dominican. HOT! Went out on one date. We had really great chemistry, but he never called again because I'm not Catholic and don't believe in God. Whatever! Couldn't find you on a Brewers search. Brett - Ah, dear lord. This one is for the books. There's always that *one* guy who says all the right things...and you finally believe. Our first date was at FEZ. Thought it would be a good idea, since two of my friends went there on THEIR first dates and they're still together, almost a year later. Great conversation...but now that I look back, that's where the lies began. Claimed to be a motorcycle drag racer and friends with DMX. I pointed out that he's not that popular around here anymore! (dog killer and all that!) He even went so far as to show me a text from "DMX" which said to meet him at the QT in Scottsdale. Brett obviously wasn't from around here, as I pointed out QT was a freaking gas station. Whatever. We kissed in the parking lot for awhile. Unbelievable chemistry. I took him to one of my comedy gigs the following night, and from then on, he completely worshipped me. As we drove home, a HUGE storm was hitting. It even blew out windows of high-rises downtown. It was crazy. We were dodging trees and debris everywhere. I have this thing with numbers. His birthday is the 14th. Mine is the 16th. This was August 28th. I don't remember what logic I came up with, but we were destined to be together forever. Said he had a 7-year old boy who he wasn't allowed to see. He was to head out of town to "race" in a couple days. He said his real name was "Larry Brett McBride" and that was his father's name, who was dead, so he used it to race. When he left that evening, I did a search on Larry McBride. Turns out, the guy is a legend in the motorcycle racing world...and wasn't dead. In fact, he had just broken a world record a few weeks before. Hmmmm....so, I called him on it. He claimed that if he told me his real name, I would know who he is. HUH?????? Shouldn't you know someone's name??? I mean, he knew about my comedy and radio and the band. Why would anyone hide "who they are???" So, he leaves. We text and yahoo. He called a few times. A month goes by, he claims to be racing all over the place. I'm on the internet, searching for race results and such. This guy did NOT exist. But, when I did a search for his screen name...it came up under Datehookup.com and his location was listed as ORLANDO. I made a fake profile with a pic from some ditsy newscaster girl and claimed to be from NJ but moving to Orlando in a few days. What a dipshit, he believed it! Sent pics of himself surfing. Surfing. Said he has two kids, one 12 and one 13. Ok, what about the 7-year old? I couldn't ask about it, because, well, he didn't know who I *really* was. Oh, and his last name changed 3 different times, so that I wouldn't "know who he was"...WTF???????????? So, he thinks I am driving down to Orlando. I gave him the name of a very exclusive neighborhood, saying that's where I had just bought my new house. We set a time and date to meet, always using yahoo to keep in touch. He had not heard my voice, or he would know it was me. He also gave me a phone number. One number off the number I already had. So...I am guessing he is with someone, they have the same plan with very similar numbers. I am pretty sure he showed up at some ale house in Orlando, thinking I was gonna pull up in a Cadillac. HA! He texted me (the real me) a few weeks ago. I was on the air. So I wrote "On the air, fuckhead" and I think he finally got the message.

Serial Dating, Pt 2

Had two dates on Memorial Day. One was for lunch. Really nice guy. A bit older, but still handsome. (Guys my age or older usually don't do it for me. I lead a "young" life.) We chat on yahoo once in awhile, but we're both super busy. I think friends will be what we remain. No chemistry.
Later that night, "milkshake date." He wanted to take me for a shake, which I thought was super cool! PhD candidate in chemistry. Works at a chemical lab for the government. Teaches chem at ASU. HAS TOURETTES. Not kidding. Not the swearing kind (it's really rare), but the tick and clearing throat kind. Really cute. No chemistry. Bummer. Would be nice to date a smart guy.

Jason - This was one that would have lasted. We had awesome chemistry and rapport. But, lo, he lost his job two weeks into our relationship and had to sell his truck. Lives in Ahwatukee. Too far for me to drive every time we wanted to get together. He had so much stress about the money thing that I told him to let me know when things picked up. Really like him and we still talk. Just have to be friends for now.

Mr. Love - yeah, it's his real name. HOT! Comedian. I've never dated a fellow comic before. Black guy. HUGE "down there". Turns out, he's a dang swinger! Ugh. We get along really well and have a BLAST but I don't want a relationship where I have to share. WTF????????????

Serial Dating Pt1

Keep in mind, the dates I am about to write about are since the beginning of this year. I've been on a LOT of first dates. Some guys last a week or two. This is some crazy shit and it's ALL REAL!

January 2008
BJ - his real name is Abner. BJ/Abner? ???? That should have been the first sign. We dated all of two weeks. Until I found out his "ex" was going to have their baby in May. Said their relationship was over. Stupid me. I emailed her on myspace. I didn't want to start drama, just wanted to be sure SHE wasn't going to get hurt. Turns out, they were trying to work things out. He had commitment issues and they had been "together" for about 2 years. He got mad that I stayed home for the Superbowl and didn't hang out with him. Never heard from him again. She and I still write.

February 2008
Art - Really, really sweet guy. He actually won a date with me for Valentine's Day. It was a nice evening. Two days later was my birthday. He came out to my party. Again, still sweet. The following weekend, took him and his son to the Wildlife World Zoo. I treated. He is a single dad and has raised his 4-year old by himself. Very admirable. I spent $50 for the three of us to get in. I make really good money. No big deal. 4-year old son is still in DIAPERS. NO stroller for the kid at the zoo so he got cranky.
Said it was ok for his kid to be in diapers because he was wearing them till her was 10. WTF???????????? Stayed over once. Didn't even bring a toothbrush. Oral hygiene is key for me. Got totally turned off and despite the fact that he is a really sweet, nice guy who did a lot for me (he fixed things on my car whenever they went wrong) I just couldn't do it any longer.

March 2008
Brian - Met him on singlesnet. Really cute. Made me dinner second time getting together. Most incredible sex ever. Made me gush, even! Didn't want to get serious. I was looking for a relationship. To him to a concert. I drove, he left his motorcycle at my place. Later that night, I go to leave, find him WASTED outside flirting with a really fat ugly chick. He follows me to my car. GONE. It got towed. What's he do? Turns around and goes back into the club. My girl friend takes me to get my car from impound yard. Hear his motorcycle leave my place around 2am...as my FWB was over and gettin' me good. HA!

April - May 2008
Marco - His initials are MF which is perfect, because this was the ultimate motherfucker. Said he was a cage fighter and golden gloves boxer. Has to stop boxing because of a heart monitor in his chest (could actually SEE it under his skin!). He *could* box again...if he had the monitor taken out but he doesn't have the cash to do it. Thought he was a good guy, because his father has had Alzheimer's for 10 years plus diabetes and cancer so he moved back home to help his 74-year old mother take care of the 87-year old father. Wants to start a tattoo shop, already has the T Shirts made.
Says that in a relationship, people should see each other everyday. Uh-uh. Not for this EXTREMELY busy grrl. Brings over the video of his cage fight. Dated 2000. Rage in the Cage. Fight lasts 30 seconds and he taps out. I ask when the next round is. He says "That's it". I ask about the other fights. There haven't been any. ONE fight that lasts all of 30 seconds and he claims to be a cage fighter.
Changes his phone number. Makes the stupid T shirts for the non-existent tattoo shop null because THE PHONE NUMBER NO LONGER EXISTS.
Brings over his sketch book. Says he is an artist. I hold back the urine that wants to gush from me with laughter as I look at the sketches. I feel badly for anyone getting a tattoo from him. My 5-year old niece can draw a better box.
Last straw: Calls me selfish because I wouldn't make out with him at the end of an evening on a day when I had puked 3 times. Who the FUCK would WANT to make out with someone who puked all day????????
Called me a loser. I am a pro comedienne and radio DJ, along with music promoter. And I'm the loser. BTW, I've done all of these things more than once, for more than 30 seconds.

Tonight
Anthony - we've been emailing and talking on the phone for months, both really busy and can appreciate the fact we both have decent lives. He just started his own business and ACTUALLY owns a tattoo shop. Yes, it's up and running. Believe me, I checked. We finally make time to go out tonight. Meet him at a place to grab a bite. He is on a really nice Harley. And 6 months ago just got out of prison. 16 years. Didn't call me last night because of some drama in which he could have gotten arrested for assault. Bought a cheap car because as he was about to go into the finance office at a dealership to get something newer, his PAROLE officer tells him he can't but it. HIS PAROLE OFFICER. I have never in my life even PUNCHED anyone, let alone had a parole officer! The thing that sucks is he is really nice, but boys like that never change. He's been in the pokey more than once.
Hey, at least he told me on the first date! I will remain friends with him. No second date will be coming, though!

the morning after a bad date gone wrong

I'm here. Sent at 8:41 AM on Friday
marco: hi
me: hey happy friday
marco: not for me
me: well, me neither but i say it anyway Sent at 8:46 AM on Friday
marco: no i don't feel well,didn't sleep weel.back hurt,computer giving me problem and i'm probably gogint tro box with my kids mom's husnband this afternoon when i see him Sent at 8:48 AM on Friday
me: why Sent at 8:50 AM on Friday
marco: because her and i got into it about her buy the boy 50-60 dollar pairs of shoes when there 60 years old and she want me to pay for half aside from 800 child support amonth so.she going to say something to me and i going to take out my anger out on his head.6 yearoldsheis going to say something Sent at 8:53 AM on Friday
marco: i know drama but u ask and i told. Sent at 8:54 AM on Friday
me: BUT WHY TAKE IT OUT ON HIM IF IT'S HER GIVING YOU SHIT ABOUT IT?whoops caps sorry
marco: because he runs his mouth think hes a little bad ass and he will be like don't talk to my wife like that.so i will have to break my foot in his ass. Sent at 8:58 AM on Friday
me: hahaha
marco: not that fun to see me fight actually
me: i'm not a fighter so i would laugh
marco: oh me: your temper scares me
marco: y is that?what do u think would happen?
me: i don't know what would but i don't deal well with itwhen i was little and my parents fought (drunk dad) my mom would find me later hiding behind the couchwhen my ex yelled at me for 36hours i tried to hide or find a way to shut it offi locked the bathroom door and he grabbed a screwdriver and busted the doorknobabout two years after my father died of cancer, my mom had a breast cancer scare...i was fucke3d up about it because my mom and i are way close... marco: well i not that bad for 36 hours or anything.but u can expect to push someone button and then not get a pissed off person
me: and for 3 days i was upset. he got mad that we didn't have sex. then he raped me said it was my obligation as his girlfriend to have sex with him, no matter what life threw at me
marco: I sorry to hear that.one more thing for me not to want to touch ubecause i don't want to mess u up in the head.
me: i can't go through that again, marcoi cried all night, didn't sleep last nighti guess it's better it happened so early because i was falling in love with you so damn hard
marco: well then i guess i will leavfe u alone then.sorry about all of thisbut this is actually all ur fault not mine Sent at 9:06 AM on Friday
marco: as a guy u can't fuck his head up and expect hinmt to be ok when u say stop that si the way women get raped.i don't do that but i do get [pissed.
me: hahahahaha whatever. you can't just expect to get laid anytime you want. that is NOT the finale to good kissing. that's pretty selfish and immature, actuallyand women get raped because men think that our duty is to put out. that's bullshit
marco: but u don't get that and most women don't because u guy think it make it more exciting to the man .it doesn't it makes us go its never going to happen and she like fucking with guys head and that is a blow to our ego.well maybe it think like that that has u single./
me: nobody fucked with your head
marco: u did because i say u did.
me: nope
marco: reallyyy??? marco is typing…: i knew u should have out all my hops into u and u were too good to be true and to think i was starting to fal in love with u.thx for show ur true collrscolors me: in a relationship, a REAL one (seems like you haven't had that) people respect each other hey, you too might want to cut back on the 'roids.
marco: did u think u resepct me.when u embarred me infront of the waitress last night?
me: how did i embarrass you?????????????????????????ugh you don't take responsibility for anything you do, do you?everything is always everyone else's fault?
marco: say ing u were going to make out with her?whats my fault exactlly?
me: oh man if you took that seriously, then you definitely don't have thesense of humor to be with me
marco: no that was disrespectfull
me: Nope. I'm done. I don't argue and even though you thriveon drama, I don't.disrespectful is not taking someone's comfort into account and just thinking of your dick.
marco: whatever u fuckin loser go be with the dirt bag there the only ones u deserve!
me: I want to be with someone secure enough toyou're one of them
I'm the loser????????????Hahahaha
Good one.