I've never written anything while still "in the moment," but this was a pretty powerful one and I don't want to lose a second of it.
Travis. Someone only in town for a few days, I got a few hours of that. I was leery, because after all the shit I've been through and been told, I could give a fuck anymore. But there's always that one thing, the thing you can't really describe but it makes you make in impulsive decision, even though it was something that I had decided on a few days ago. Still an impulse. I think that I've been thinking too much and that's just so not me, so I was like "What the heck, I can spare a few hours." Well, those few hours impacted me in a strange way. Lately, so many things have been just so unexciting, that I HOPE to get flaked on. I HOPE it gets canceled. I needed that to change because that's just not the way I have always been in the past. Just lately. It's like I go through the motions out of obligation. It makes me antsy and I needed to be shaken. Well, today, I certainly was.
Starbucks, lots of conversation, but I really just want to take him home. I mean, we both knew it was going to happen at some point, but this guy knew how to talk. How to hold a conversation. A freaking intelligent one and I'm certainly not used to that. A conversation with a lot of parallels between us. One that showed true feelings. That's the shit that turns me on. I won't say that he wasn't gorgeous or had a kick-ass body or that he opened the fucking door for me. Writing books? Like me? Yeah, all of that but there's that one other thing...that thing you can't describe or even attempt to put into words. (Of course, in the back of my mind, I'm still thinking it was all bullshit. HA!)
So, we finally get to my place and talk some more. I knew the clock was ticking, but I didn't want to know the time. I really, really didn't. I am NOT the girl who makes the first move. I just can't. I'm always afraid of that rejection, even though I've never been rejected at first.
The pysical experience was one of the most powerful I have ever experienced. There was such a sense of urgency, that I just let it out. I didn't WANT to hold back because it could certainly be the ONLY time I got to spend with this person. I wanted to give, in such a bad way. I wanted to be the real me. And I felt comfortable doing that. Details of the sex aren't necessary, but it felt really right. Like these two people, somehow came together, pretty randomly and it just worked. For the first time, I didn't WANT to get him out the door. It's just like me to want what I really can't have. But, in my mind, the "This could be the ONLY time I am with this person" kept running through and I had to cherish every fucking moment of it.
I've been so accustomed to holding my emotions inside, but I actually fucking cried when he left. It was just so...beautiful. A little sadness, but mostly an experience that could not have been more perfect. That has only happened one other time in my entire life. It was while I was in Costa Rica and that was the most perfect night. Until today. For a split second, I was completely, totally in love.
Of course, "Thinking Amy" came back immediately. That fucking bitch.